I have experienced two kinds of loses; being left, and leaving. I underwent that horrible feeling of being left behind as that person sets off to start anew. But, I must admit, that it’s much more difficult being the latter- the one who leaves.
Being the person who got left is depressing. You think a person’s intentions are virtuous, then they leave and you’re left with empty words and broken promises. And for a while, you become so angry with this person for leaving you and you mope and go through a phase wherein you think you can no longer do anything to make up for the lost time you and that person could have spent together. Then you realize how lucky you are, being surrounded by other people who still want to be a part of your life, and who make you higher your standards of the term “friendship” and “relationship”. In the end, you get to be the one who moves on easily. And yes, you still occasionally get flashbacks you wish you could forget, but you accept the fact that “this person” left, and the possibility that you will never have the same connection with him or her ever again. It’s a slow process, you think, but a sure one.
Here’s the thing about leaving- From the moment you start packing up your things, having each item bring you back to the time where it became significant in your life, to the hour when you’re already on the plane, reminiscing about everything that happened before… You feel the guilt for leaving “that person”, and feel the regret creeping behind you because of the what if’s and maybe’s. And for the times you try to stay in contact with him or her, you constantly think about how you could have said things to make up for the lost time, and what you could have done to leave things on a better note. Then, because “that person” is trying to move on, you feel forgotten- that’s the most painful feeling of all. You feel alone, with no one literally there to satisfy your thirst for any sort of company. You then feel forced to move on and make more effort in fitting in to this new life you have, while trying to put all those memories you had in your old one aside. And one day, far from now, you will be able to look at this person right in the eyes, and smile with joy, thinking how you and this person had your wonderful time together.
No one ever gives credit for the one who leaves. People don’t understand how complicated and confusing it really is. It’s hard. Really hard.
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